The Fine Line

The Writer's E-Zine Home

Writers' Village University - F2K: Free Fiction Writing Course - ePress-online
Writers' Village University Membership Information

The Fine Line

Sfrench@wvu.org

The world of the writer is unique. The challenges and obstacles we face are often not the same as those of others in more traditional occupations. We walk a fine line between our real and imaginary (written) worlds, often feeling like we are performing a juggling act on a tightrope. T-zero's FineLine column offers discussion and advice regarding the difficulties and struggles we face during the process of writing lines.

Dear Fine Line,

My family is really beginning to annoy me. I thought when I began writing that I would get more support than what I have. In fact, it seems they would rather I not write at all. I have wanted to write since I was nine years old, and even then didn't get support from my parents. I write because it makes me happy, yet it seems my family doesn't want me to be happy.

My children are getting older now. It seems to me that all they want is to be driven around. Being teenagers I know they no longer want or need my attention, as they once did, yet they continue to demand so much of my time. I have catered to them for years and was happy to do it. I am so frustrated. I love them and want them to be happy. Should I continue to give up my writing for their needs? How am I supposed to balance family and writing? I just want to be the best writer I can be, to be in the one percent that makes it and gets published. Plus, I really am encouraged by all the classes at WVU. There is so much support and input, and I really don't want to give any of it up.

I wonder how many other writers have this problem. I think that I should write because if I am happy, then my family is going to be happy but I also feel selfish when I try to take time from them for my writing. I would appreciate any advice you can offer.

Sincerely,

Feeling Hurt in Washington

Dear Feeling Hurt,

I think you will find that you're not alone in this problem and I don't believe it is one that is unique to writers. Often parents who devote themselves to their children have this kind of struggle with time to do it all when the children get older and the parent's priorities shift.

It might be wise to keep in mind that not only are the children changing, but you are as well. This doesn't mean that change isn't a good thing, but it's been proven that most people resist changes.

When children hold on to the same expectations they had in childhood as they enter their teens, they often appear uncaring and selfish. Sometimes it almost seems as though this is a requirement to be a teenager!

I feel that this problem can be more pronounced and last longer for parent writers because they usually remain in the home when they return to this work or hobby. They are there and seemingly available to the family, who then find it difficult to accept that the parent's life has changed. Here are a few suggestions that might help you through this transition period:

Understand, in your own mind, what you are trying to accomplish and why.
Communicate this to your children. It might take more than one attempt, but it is worth helping them to understand. Support and encouragement should follow this understanding.
Make sure you have the support of your spouse. If s/he is not already supportive, include her/him in the activities below. It won't hurt to persuade your spouse to your side before you approach the kids. You certainly don't need to deal with opposition to the changes from the other authority figure in the home.
Analyze your family's weekly schedule. One way to do this is to create a twenty-four hour, seven-day chart. Write in all your family's activities. Highlight times when they are out, sleeping, or otherwise occupied. Use another color to highlight the times when you know they will want something from you, whether it is dinner or taxi service. A pattern should emerge where you can find the time, within the schedule, to reserve for your writing. If this is too limited, try to find ways to get help from your spouse or friends with things like carpooling the kids, trading off time, etc. Also, look at the things you currently do for your family that they might be able to help with or do themselves.
Work together. Share your feelings with your family without anger. Share the end result of the above chart with them. Make the changes in family routine beneficial to everyone. Reviewing the schedule can increase their awareness of all you do and their appreciation. Negotiating often works very well; "If you do this, then I'll do that."
Make use of your talent. If emotions are easily stirred, try writing a letter. The written word helps us say the things we want to say, the way we want to say them, without interruption. It allows the recipient to mull over the words before reacting.

You said it best when you wrote, "I think that I should write because if I am happy, then my family is going to be happy." I agree with this statement wholeheartedly. I believe happy, fulfilled people pass those feelings on to the people around them. If "what comes around, goes around" is true, then this certainly isn't a bad cycle of which to be a part. Taking the time you need for yourself just might make you a better parent.

Don't fall off the line and keep on writing those fine lines!

Do you have any comments or suggestions about this letter? Do you have a

problem with some area of your writing life? FineLine would love to hear from you! Please direct your letters to Sherry putting "FineLine" in the subject field.