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01 December 2008
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Catherine's Kitchen

Catherine Manning

Fondues, or tabletop cooking

The Story of Fondue

The story of Fondue, originated in Switzerland, when villagers were isolated in the long winter months and were forced to rely on cheese, wine & bread. As the cheese became dry, they would use a thick earthenware pan, called a "caquelon" to melt it in the wine, so that the cheese melted slowly to prevent it becoming stringy. They would then dip their chunks of bread and have a cheap, but yet substantial meal. The word fondue comes from the French word fondre which means "to melt."

A Fondue party is a really enjoyable and casual way to entertain, especially in Barbados, when we don’t have to worry about being isolated and the long winter months!!! All the hard work is done ahead of time, leaving the hostess to enjoy her guests company.

There are a many different types of fondues, using meat, fish, cheese and also dessert fondues, the classic of course, being cheese.

There are a number of cheeses that can be used to make fondues, the usual being Swiss Emmental and Gruyere. However, Camembert, Cheddar, Danish Blue, Mozzarella, and Gouda, just to name a few, can also be used with great success. A dry white wine is generally used with cheese, to cook and drink, (and of course kirsch) though everyone has their favorites and choices are endless.

Cheese naturally, formed the original fondue, but opened doors for all sorts of different ideas, using a variety of meats, seafood, chicken, duck, chicken livers, vegetables and fruit, sauces and of course Fondue pots. When using meat, i.e.: Beef, Pork, Lamb, Veal etc. it is important to use a good quality cut, because of the quick cooking time in hot oil, though some things, like Chicken and Seafood, for example, can be cooked in a good simmering stock.

Fondue evenings can be simple or elaborate, depending on whether you decide you want to have your guest’s wander and ‘dip’ or sit and ‘eat’, also of course the number of pots that you have. Whichever way, the safety factor of hot oil, extension cords for hot pots etc. are very important, and great care should be taken.

SIMPLICITY, is a cheese fondue with chunks of French bread, vegetables and bamboo skewers, so that guests can wander and dip at will, keeping in mind that it has to be kept warm and when ‘dipping’ the bread should actually be stirred in the cheese, hoping of course that you don’t lose it!! Don’t forget the napkins.For those with a sweet tooth, there are dessert fondues, using fruit or cake for dipping.

ELABORATE, is when you want to be fancy, it’s more work, but it can be fun, especially when the company is good and so long as no fights break out as to whose piece of meat that was that got lost in the oil or whose fork was green or red!! This would be a ‘sit down’ fondue, the number of fondue pots would depend on the number of people and menu. Whether you want both oil and stock and also, the pots have to be easily accessible to all guests, don’t want to lose any vital parts due to ‘off course’ forks.

Choose your menu, meat, chicken, seafood, vegetables, and plan accordingly. Prepare everything ahead of time and arrange on platters, cutting meat etc. into bite size pieces, but not so small that they disappear when they cook. (chill) Know your guests, whether they eat meat or only fish or whatever and allow at least 8oz. Meat/fish per person, maybe a bit more for big eaters. Have your accompaniments ready, dips, salad, potato skins, fried rice or whatever you decide. Set table accordingly with pots, individual table settings, eating fork, differently coloured fondue forks, plates, glasses, dips etc. at the last minute, heat your oil and stock on stove and transfer to your lit fondue pots and have everyone ready to start eating. Depending on your pot, you might have to reheat the oil on the stove at some stage. Remember that if you overload the fondue pot, the oil will not keep its heat as long, so 4 people to one pot, is probably a good estimate. By the way, PLEASE DO NOT TAKE YOUR FONDUE FORK FROM THE POT AND PUT IN YOUR MOUTH, THAT IS DEFINITELY ‘PAIN’.

Fondue Pots

There are many different types of fondue pots , each include a pot, a stand and a burner for cooking or keeping the fondue mixture hot and usually include utensils., not always available in Barbados. If you don’t have one, an electrical deep fat "chip fryer" can be used as well, it’s not as authentic, but certainly more controllable with regard to temperature, but becareful not to ruin the non-stick surface with the forks, use a basket and becareful not to trip over the cord.

The enameled cast iron pot is best for keeping oil hot, but maybe used for cheese or dessert as well, so long as the heat is kept low, but otherwise the metal or pottery pots are best for cheese with the small pots being good for dessert.

When preparing a cheese fondue, it should be done slowly over a very low fire, don’t hurry the process, or you will overcook the mixture.

Recipes

Classic Cheese Fondue

  • 1 clove garlic, halved
  • 250ml(8fl.oz/1 cup) dry white wine
  • 1 tsp. Lemon juice
  • 250g (8oz./2 cups) grated Gruyere
  • 250g (8oz./2 cups) grated Emmental
  • 2 tsp. Cornflour
  • 2Tbs. Kirsch
  • Pinch of pepper & grated nutmeg.
  • Cubes French Bread.

Rub inside of pot with cut garlic.

Pour in white & lemon juice & heat gently until bubbling. Reduce heat to low and gradually stir in grated cheese with a wooden spoon, then continue to heat until cheese melts, stirring frequently. In small bowl, blend cornflour & Kirsch, stir into the cheese and continue to cook for 2/3 minutes until thick and smooth, stir frequently, do not allow to boil. Season with pepper & nutmeg and serve with bread.

11/2 cups of Cheddar may be substituted for the Emmental & dry Sherry for the Kirsch, also 2tsp. Curry powder may be added for a different flavour.

Oil Fondue

Prepare different cuts of meat, chicken, fish, seafood or vegetables on a plate, all cut in bite size pieces, allowing about 8oz. meat per person. There a variety of meat that can be used, including lamb & pork, duck, tenderloin, meat balls, the choice is endless. Have several different dips to accompany them. Heat your oil very hot on the stove and then transfer carefully to fondue stand, try not to have too many pieces of meat in the pot at one time, as it lowers the heat faster, you may have to reheat on the stove at some stage. Serve with salads of choice.

Dips

Horseradish Sauce

  • 5ld.oz/2/3 cup double cream
  • 1 Tbs. grated Horseradish
  • 2 spring onions chopped
  • salt & pepper
  • chopped chive to garnish.

Whip cream till soft peaks form then stir in remaining ingredients and chill, garnish with chive.

Mustard Sauce

  • 3 tsp. Dijon mustard
  • 2/3 cup think sour cream
  • 3 Tbs. Mayonnaise
  • salt & pepper
  • crushed mustard seed or wholegrain mustard to garnish

Put all ingredients in bowl and mix till smooth. Season with salt & pepper and garnish with mustard or wholegrain mustard.

Spicy Oriental.

  • 2Tbs. Soya sauce
  • juice of half a lemon
  • 2 fresh green chillies chopped
  • 1 clove garlic crushed
  • 2 tsp. Sesame Oil.

Put all ingredients together & chill

Avocado Dip

  • 1 ripe Avocada
  • 2tsp. Lemon juice
  • 2/3 cup thick sour cream
  • 1tsp. Grated onion
  • salt & pepper
  • slice of lemon to garnish.

Mash flesh of avocada with lemon juice, stir in rest of Ingredients and chill.

Chocolate nut Fondue

  • 12oz, Swiss chocolate with nuts
  • 1 cup/8oz. double cream
  • 2Tbs. Brandy or Rum
  • Fresh fruit to serve.

Break up chocolate, in pot, add cream & heat gently, stirring all the time until chocolate melts, Stir in brandy or rum and leave over burner to keep warm

Cath


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Fiction Corner

Alison Hawke

Shelf Life

What is it that keeps a work of fiction on the shelves for twenty years? Or fifty, or a hundred? I have a book on my shelves called "Sonnets of this Century." Inside the cover is written "J. Y. Wyatt 30th January 1886." I’m pretty sure the editor never thought the book would still be around one hundred and fourteen years later, and you can’t buy this collection anymore. But what is there on the shelves these days?

Probably the oldest English fiction is Geoffrey Chaucer’s "Canterbury Tales," written in the fourteenth century. Unless you have a yearning to read it in the original middle english language, let someone else do the hard work and pick up a translation. Chaucer’s original plan was to follow a motley group of pilgrims walking down to Canterbury. Each pilgrim would tell two stories on the way down, and two on the way back. The best storyteller would get a free lunch at the end of the journey. This grand scheme was reduced to one story each, then left incomplete. It’s worth a read, the stories range from the noble Knight’s Tale to the bawdy Carpenter’s Tale.

Moving a bit closer to this century, we have the novels of Jane Austen, written in the early 1800’s. The gentle humour and sharp observations about society life have contributed to their longevity. The BBC (British Broadcasting Corporation) television adaptation of "Pride and Prejudice" captivated the country several years ago, proving her appeal over a century after publication.

I think humour helps prolong the life of a novel. P G Wodehouse’s Jeeves and Wooster stories are hilarious. Jeeves is far more intelligent than his incompetent "master," much like Dilbert’s relationship with the Pointy-Haired Boss in Scott Adam’s Dilbert comic strip. Everyone wants to see their boss bested by the lowly employee at some point, and Wodehouse shows time and time again who is really in charge, whatever Wooster pretends.

The first book of its kind seems likely to linger on the book shelves. John Fowles’ "The Collector" has been described as the first modern psychological thriller. The story is told through the eyes of a man who becomes infatuated with a woman to the point of keeping her locked up in his basement. It is creepy, tense and well written, paving the way for a whole genre of literature in the same way Isaac Asimov created the forefather of all modern robots, androids and intelligent computers in his 1950 collection of stories, "I, Robot."

If a book is part of a series, especially one that is still being added to, the early books stay on the shelves. Sue Grafton’s "A is for Alibi" was first published in the 1980’s. The latest in the series is "O is for Outlaw," published in 1999. Terry Pratchett’s Discworld novels began with "The Colour of Magic" in 1985. The twenty-fourth book in the series, "The Fifth Elephant," was published in November 1999. Over seventeen million copies of his books, all set in the same fantasy universe, have been sold world-wide. David Brin’s Uplift series has been going since the publication of "Sundiver" in 1980. The series is a treat for science fiction fans, especially the convincing science Brin uses.

If a book has lasted more than a few years on the shelves, there must be something good about it. Happy reading!

Drabble of the Month

A bumper crop of Drabbles this month! First, December's Millennium drabbles from Vic Crosby and Ryan Inwood.

Millennium
by Vic Crosby

In the Terminal Hotel, Wendy drains her eleventh glass of cheap red wine. Out panhandling today, she caught a citizen in a weak moment, who dropped her a twenty. Hasn't noticed that Steve, the bartender paid for the last two himself. As always, she dumped her money on the bar, and said
"Red wine, keep it coming 'til it's gone."
Behind her, the crowd is noisier than usual, "Four, three, two, one!" they yell, "Happy New Year!"
Steve plonks a double whisky before Wendy, "Welcome to 2000, Wendy," he grins. She grabs the glass and takes a gulp.
"2000 what?"

End Of An Era
by Ryan Inwood

Paulo DeGalleazo stood atop a dark and rocky high hill overlooking the loud and bright city. He knew it would be full of parties and celebrants waiting to drunkenly usher in the new millennium. "They'll be so disappointed," he chuckled.
Turning grandly, he raised his hands to the darkly cloaked and hooded acolytes around him. Fires were lit and the area was suffused with a hellish red glow. A sibilant chanting began and soon a shimmering green gateway slowly began to form in the air. Armageddon, he thought, wouldn't just come on its own; it had to be worked for.

January's star Drabbles are written by D. M. Grant (aka HarlieG) and Pam Kock.

A Fallen Star
by D. M. Grant

Deborah Jenkins touched her gold star as she unlocked her dressing room door. She smiled. Silly superstition!
"Script changes, Miss Jenkins." The script boy handed her a thick stack of paper. "From Rico."
She scrunched her nose. Rico the jerk, she thought remembering last night’s party. Wonder which bimbo took him home. She casually scanned the changes.
"I'm shot?"
"I'm sorry, Miss Jenkins."
"Shot dead?"
"I’m really sorry." The boy pulled out a screwdriver. Within seconds, her lucky star was gone; a shiny new one in it’s place. It read: Mary Wollcott. Slut!
He held out her star. "Keep it."

Amy's Star
by Pam Kock

"Mommy, how do you make a star?" Amy's hand hovered expectantly over the paper, holding a crayon.
"Here," I said, taking the crayon. "Let me show you." I drew a star, the way my mother had taught me.
"I can't do that," Amy wailed.
"Sure you can! Try it."
I gave the crayon back, and she carefully drew zigzag lines on the paper.
"How's that?"
"It's a good start," I answered. "Try again."
This time I held her hand and guided it, inhaling her scent of baby shampoo. "I did it, mommy!" She shouted with glee, "I made a star!"

The Drabble theme for February is pyramid (due January 15th), courtesy of Heather Lowe. After that, I have to move the deadline up to the tenth of the month, to keep in step with my new deadline.

The theme for March is complications (due February 10th), courtesy of Peter Keane, and the theme for April is ignorance (due March 10th). If you have any ideas for Drabble themes, please email me.

Email your Drabbles to me at drabble@technologist.com.


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Healthy Horizons

Laurie Lupold

Acceptance

Being one that was given so many things to endure in my life and the illnesses to support it, I often get a chuckle from people when I say those events were a blessing. True, I have lived with a life that hasn't been very pleasant and I suffer from many different mental disorders but without such, who would I be? I am grateful because they have made me who I am.

I could whine and complain, even be angry for all my life has thrown at me but what would be the point? Most likely the issues would still be there accompanied with my defiance for not accepting them. It takes great courage for us to accept things in our lives which we find to be unenjoyable but strength comes from recognizing and building an understanding how we might use them to benefit ourselves.

I didn't always look at my life with such a light heart, I was very bitter for a long time about my past and current situations which I couldn't control. In an essence that is what it was about, the feeling of not having the control. I lodged anger so deep within me that all I wanted was revenge for my injustices. What I got was stuck within a vicious circle of rage that seemed never ending. That anger not only made me emotionally unhealthy but affected me physically also.

I don't know all and I have never pretended to but I do know from personal experience that no-one can find peace within themselves if they are thriving on the anger. It took years for me but I reached the serenity. I had to reach inside myself and analyze what was there, who I was as opposed to who I wanted to be. I had to let go.

Now, is the time to look upon ourselves and acknowledge what is there. Take a long look at what gifts we have that we are grateful for. Keeping a gratitude journal is an excellent way for us to keep in touch with these things on a daily basis and add more as we think of them. Sell yourself on the ideals that make you the unique person you are and be thankful you exist.

'Til next time keep peace with yourself as you journey through your Healthy Horizons!!


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Inclinations

Priscilla Fagan

Men are from Mars. So says John Gray. But the older I get, the more I really believe this. Talk about a generation gap, I’d take that any day compared to the gender gap. Sometimes it downright wears me out. Vincent of Beauvais said in the 13th century: Woman is man’s confusion. I for one can’t understand this. Why? Because they (men)are from Mars! That’s the only logical explanation.

Rudyard Kipling wrote: A woman’s guess is much more accurate than a man’s certainty. Oh I wish I could have known this man. Sigh. If men would only listen to us, I mean truly listen. Oh they can be so bullheaded sometimes. I mean . . . really.

Back to Mars and proof that we don’t look at the same thing the same way. George Bernard Shaw wrote: Women upset everything. When you let them into your life, you find that the woman is driving at one thing and you’re driving at another. Perhaps, but if you end up in the same place I bet the woman is there first.

Jean Kerr has a great theory in "How to Talk to a Man." She says, Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself -like, for instance, he can’t find any clean socks. Oh I can hear you men bristling at that one.

Talk about ridiculous and really showing their alien form, M.L. Mencken actually wrote in 1919: The allurement that women hold out to men is precisely the allurement that Cape Hatteras holds out to sailors: they are enormously dangerous and hence enormously fascinating. Oh yuck!

Dear Margaret Meade put it just about as succinctly as possible. Women want mediocre men, and men are working hard to be as mediocre as possible. I won't touch that with a 20 foot pole.

Lord Tennyson wrote in 1859: Man at most differ as heaven and earth, / but women, worst and best, as heaven and hell. Puleeze. As I was researching these opinions of the sexes, I began to chuckle when I looked up the heading, ‘women’. Seven pages of quotes, mostly by men to a mere two columns on quotes under the heading ‘men’. I mean where did they come up with some of this, if not on Mars?

Example: Women would rather be right than reasonable. . . Ogden Nash. To be married to a good woman is to live with a tender surprise. . . Norman Mailer. She wavers, she hesitates: in a word, she is a woman. . . Racine, 1691. Do these guys remember who brought them into this world, nurtured them, taught them?

Well, I’ve vented my frustrations this month. I was on a mission but have no conclusions except to leave you with this Inclination by George Eliot (1859): I’m not denyin’ the women are foolish: God almighty made ‘em to match the men.

Perhaps the next century will shed more light on this subject, but as for now I wish you all a safe, peaceful and happy Holiday Season. And please, listen to each other!

Priscilla -- the eternal optimist, waiting for the e-mail...;-)


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In the Writing Jungle

Suzi Goode

A trip through the Jungle of Genre

Walk into a bookstore, any bookstore and what is the first thing that catches your eye? Of course there's plenty of books but other than that, what is noteworthy? Still haven't figured it out?

Here's another clue. Are you searching for a particular author? Perhaps J.D. Robb (a.k.a. Nora Roberts) or maybe Isaac Asimov or Mercedes Lackey. What do you have to know about each author to get the book you are looking for? Don't you need to know what type of novel they are writing or, in writer's parlance, what genre they are writing in? J.D. Robb writes in the mystery genre but she uses Nora Roberts when writing in the romance genre; Isaac Asimov writes in the science fiction genre and Mercedes Lackey in the fantasy genre - if you're so lucky as to have a bookstore with a fantasy section separate from its science fiction section.

Knowing genre is important not only when you are searching for a particular novel but also when you are writing a short story or novel. According to the Merriam Webster dictionary, genre is defined as "A category of artistic, musical or literary composition characterized by a particular style, form or content." Simply stated, when it comes to 'literary composition', genre is a classification, making it easier for the reader, writer and publisher to get about in the world of writing.

When we think of genre, we generally think in terms of fiction. Among the genres which immediately come to mind are science fiction, romance, mystery and horror, to name a few. However genre is not confined to fiction. When I think of genre and because I tend to write fiction, I think in terms of fiction. To do so is to exclude the other half of writing made up of non-fiction and poetry. While fiction entertains and makes learning an unforgettable experience within a story setting, non-fiction is written with the intention of educating the reader. Growing up, more often than not, I had my nose stuck in an historical novel and learned much about different periods of history while I lived a character's life and problems. I discovered a passion for history, and from an early age, learned to appreciate the great amount of time and research it took to write non-fiction.

Genre didn't become important to me, however, until well after I began writing. I had no idea that there was such a thing, and found that as I was getting to know the genres, that there were subgenres, much like a subfolder within a folder in your mail program. Many times, I got confused and wondered which genre I was writing in. In fantasy alone, there is such a diversity of subgenres, that it was mindboggling to learn about them. At one point, I challenged myself to write in each of the subgenres...I'm still at it after over a year, trying to write a humorous fantasy, a dark fantasy, an urban fantasy...I suppose I'll be writing for a long while. I'm still learning about genres. Recently, I began writing erotica. To my amazement, I found that this genre has subgenres as well.

To the beginning writer, and often to the more advanced writer, genre can be a jungle. Why should a writer care about this aspect of writing? In order to be a successful writer, you must know the genre you work in and its subgenres. It not only allows you to write according to that genre's formula (if there is such a thing), but allows you to make wise decisions when marketing either fiction or non-fiction.

No matter which genre you write in, write the best you can and write as much as you can. Only a writer who writes every day will succeed. Read extensively in the genre you are writing in, and in other genres. Your writing will improve for the extra time you put in reading and from the knowledge you gain. And, if the Muse takes you, attempt to write in another genre than the one you are currently writing in. You might find, as I did, that you can write not only science fiction, but mysteries and perhaps a bit of erotica.

Genres aren't difficult to understand and knowing the differences among them as well as the subgenres within them, will greatly improve your understanding of the writing world as well as improve your chances of success.

If you have any questions you'd like answered in this column, please let me know (suzi@wvu.org).

Merry Christmas and Happy Writing in the New Year!


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Mentors' Award

Congratulations to Joanne Sweeney, winner of the September/October Mentors' Award!

Each session of Fiction 99, students are asked to submit stories that deal with the theme of Writopia. The entries then go through a vigorous judging by all the Mentors to determine which story best demonstrates the concepts learned in Fiction 99.

There were many wonderful stories written by many talented writers. Picking just one was very difficult.

Joanne was a member of the Victor O'Reilly study group. We are happy to present her story for your reading enjoyment.

WRITOPIA!

"Lost, that's it! That's what I am, lost!" Julia kicked at the ground. "There's no other way to describe this. I should have stayed on those marked trails." Just then, she saw it. It lay in a spot of sunlight, half hidden under the dirt at her feet, a folded paper boldly marked: TO WRITOPIA!

Writopia would be better than to nowhere, she thought, picking up the paper as she walked to a nearby river. Using her writing pad for a dry seat on a damp log, Julia sat down. She sighed with relief just to rest after her long fruitless hike further and further into the wilderness of the huge park land. Looking at the river beside her, she envied it. It bubbled over the rocks, running fast downhill, sure of its destination, oblivious to her and the dilemma she faced.

Fighting the onset of tears, Julia forcefully wiped her eyes. These hours of hiking have gotten me nowhere but confused, she thought, but I'm not letting this get me. She sat straight up, lifted her chin, pressed her lips tight and unfolded the paper she held. "A map! Oh, wow!" She looked around to share this amazing object with someone, but no one was there to witness it. OK, she thought, it's me and the map. That's it.

A carefully drawn path on the map ended at a picture of a simple wood structure, with the name WRITOPIA! The word start appeared by a drawing of the river, log and a map. Just exactly where I am, she thought with some hope. Puzzled as she perused the map, her eyes opened wide as hope turned to alarm. "I am right in the middle of The Incomprehensible Thicket, sitting by the River Of Redundancy. I need to get out of here."

Julia stood, stuffed her writing tablet in her back pack, and walked carefully across the large oak that lay fallen over the river. Off in the distance she saw three figures apparently studying some papers while gesturing excitedly as they walked. Studious but peculiar, Julia thought, I'm not approaching them. Checking the map she saw they were by the Purple Prose Pit Falls. Cautiously avoiding them, she crept through thick woods, wishing she could see the crashing purple falls.

"Oh, oh, I better watch out for this." She saw on the map she was very close to the Cliff of Dangling Participles. Still staring at her map, she tripped and went over the edge. Just in time, she grabbed one of the branches and yelled for help.

She didn't wait long for a face to peer over at her. "Grab my hand, I'm here to help. My name is Mentor."

When safely at the top, Julia took a hard look at him, a young man, hair a bit too long and clothes a little worn. He had a friendly look though. No one to fear, she thought, and I'm not in position to be picky.

"I'm Julia. I sure could use some help." After shaking dirt off the crumpled map, she brushed the leaves off her sweat soaked shirt. "I found this map after I got myself lost. Do you know where we are?"

"Yes," he said, "and it's my job to help you. Come on, follow me. I know the way. But you have to use more caution through these problem areas."

"Well, pardon me." She glared at him. "I'm doing the best I can. Right now that includes a very sore ankle."

"And here's another thing, you have to take criticism with an open mind. Let's move along now." Mentor started off at a brisk pace. "Keep your eye on me."

Julia limped along, hoping for no more lectures, but ready now to follow anyone who knew their way. Dazed from her fall, she paused to gaze about the landscape. A grove of apple trees, loaded with ripe juicy fruit, caught her attention. What luck, she thought. With a growling stomach she turned toward the beckoning orchard. She reveled in the fine sweet taste of the first food of the afternoon until a shout from Mentor interrupted her pleasure. Blast it, she thought, I'd like to stay here all day.

"Julia, there you are. Good I found you. Don't you see that?" He rolled his eyes with exasperation, and pointed to the sign, Writers Block -- Dead End! "You're in big trouble here and you'd be stuck if I hadn't found you in time. Picking an apple for himself, Mentor motioned for her to follow him out of the terrible tempting place.

As Mentor headed toward the Punctuation Potholes, he turned to her. "I'm warning you, it's easy to trip up here, so watch your step. Don't fall, but if you look off to the left you'll see Grammarians Graveyard. Quite a few are turning over in there, I'm told."

Discouraged by so many admonitions and exhausted from her day of hiking, Julia began to lag behind. Mentor took pity on her. "We can sit down. You take in the view while I take a look at your writing."

"Help yourself." Too tired to object, Julia handed him her backpack. She sat and stared at the nearby sign with the name Point of View. Curious, she thought. "Mentor, I have to ask why is this such a long hard walk through such bizarre places?"

"It's a test," he answered, "to see if you can take criticism and are willing to work. We all work here when we have a need. But you get a break now. The Syntax Swamp, where a lot of us get lost, comes up next. I had to help three writers out of it just today. You're lucky you can skip it for now. Just hang in there. After we pass Spell Check Point we're almost there."

"I wish I knew exactly what I'm headed for." Julia's voice wavered.

"I'll tell you about the place, while we walk." Mentor looked into Julia's sad scared eyes. "Long ago, our leader, Rhytop, gathered us together to build a wondrous place for writers. His mission was to give writers a community offering comfort, inspiration, camaraderie, resources, and guidance. He knew so many lonely writers worked with no feedback or encouragement."

"We labored long, for the love of it. We cleared the way, built the place, marked this path, and made the map for you and others like you. You'll find friendship and direction as we help one another. You'll need to help too."

Fascinated at this long speech, Julia thought awhile about the amazing story. "I am overwhelmed at what you tell me, and overjoyed if it's true."

"You'll see when we get there, but let's move along. Nightfall's coming." They rounded a sharp turn in the path, and there in front of them was a crystal lake named Sea of Despair.

Julia was horrified. "Do I swim this?"

"No. This is your last hurdle, though. Despair's a common problem for writers, so keep up your spirits. Here's our boat. Hop in, I'll row. You may hear a Passive Voice as we go, but I'll guide us away from it."

The calm water, cool evening air, and far off sound of a passive voice lulled Julia soon to sleep. She dreamed of a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. Mentor, in a burst of sympathy, let her sleep until they reached the far shore. "This is it," he announced, helping her out. And there, Julia saw the sign WRITOPIA! carved in wood above large double doors.

"Rhytop is waiting to greet you, let's go inside."

"He's still alive?" Julia's eyes lit up in surprise.

"Of course. He'll always be alive. He's a writer, you know." He held the door as she stepped just inside and stopped still.

Looking about in wonder, Julia saw a group of welcomers in the vast paneled hallway. They smiled at her. Rhytop came to her, calling her name, and bowing low. Julia smiled nervously at him.

"You have no need to be afraid here, Julia. We are all friends together, each one working a little differently, but toward the same goal." He looked down at the wrinkled paper she carried. "You'll find inspiration and guidance. Come, pick your spot." Rhytop gestured with wide open arms to indicate the possibilities for her.

As Julia glanced about the room, she saw the many doors, each with a handsome hand carved sign above it. One said Hemingway, one Dante, another Steinbeck, another Shakespeare, and on and on.

Then she saw the one that read Saint Exupery. Turning back to Rhytop, she pointed to the sign, her face and eyes asking the question. "Go right in," he said, "if that's where you want to start. You'll find all you need there. And he's waiting for you just inside the door."


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Newbie Notes

Margaret I. Carr

Getting Published

Why

Admit it. For most of us the goal, dream, grail for which we spend long hours with keyboard, pen or pencil is seeing our work in print. For some nothing will do but a best-seller; for others, a more modest success will be enough.

Writing is communication, and publication links us to those with whom we wish to communicate. Books that promise to tell us how to break into print sit on our shelves only a little less dusty than the books about techniques to perfect our style, transform us into skilled spellers, grammar gurus or plotting pundits. Given the opportunity we quiz anyone who might give us the tip that will catch an editor's eye.

Pitfalls along the way

Many tempting shortcuts beckon fledgling writers. The tedious process of writing, writing, writing, editing, proofreading, revising and then submitting, submitting and submitting yet again is, well, tedious. Surely there must be some way to shorten the process.

In addition to many legitimate contests there are some which exist apparently solely for the purpose of garnering entry fees for the benefit of the sponsors. Then there are the contests that promise winners will be published in anthologies, supposedly prestigious, that reward all entrants with an announcement that they are semifinalists and include order blanks for the anthologies. Those who order the anthologies are indeed published in them, along with everyone else who bought them.

Free pages on the Web can be a great way of showcasing your work for the general surfer, but don't expect editors or publishers to notice. In fact, if you go that route before being otherwise published you'd better hope they won't notice because they will consider it, at best, as having used first rights and in some countries anything published on the Web (at least in sites that are not password-protected and can therefore be accessed by the general public) to have gone into the public domain.

So what's a Newbie to do?

Don't give up dreaming. Practical daydreaming can be one of your most useful tools. (More about this in a later issue.) Make a plan. With the beginning of the new year , a new year which some consider the end of the millennium and others the beginning of the new millennium, a one-year plan seems appropriate. Consider what you can do during this next year that will bring you closer to your goal. Make it simple enough to be achievable. Use the rest of this month for planning and some practice. Even if you spend the whole year writing practice pieces you will end up ahead.

Planning doesn't have to be detailed. Simply ask yourself a few questions and write down the answers.

  • What type of writing do you enjoy most?
  • What type of writing do you find easiest?
  • What single skill would you most like to improve?
Just these three questions can show you the possibilities. If your first and second answers are the same, great! If they are different, how can you bring them together? Will the skill you name for the last question make the difference?

One of the biggest assets you can have is a support group. To make the most of a support group you need to participate. Just collecting what other people think of your work is of limited value. When you read someone else's work and try to identify their strengths and weaknesses you are also training your subconscious. If you tend to be negative about your own work it is particularly important to look for what others do well and try to figure out how they do it.

If you've found either Fiction 99 or WVU or both, you are on your way. The Study Groups provide a group of peers, some more skilled, some less, who will both teach you by example and learn from you. The classes and workshops and seminars will also help. Check them out on the WVU Calendar. Above all, keep at it and watch this space for more.


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Nouveau

Working at her full-time job, caring for her invalid husband and enjoying their three children and seven grandchildren takes up much of Elsie Phipps's time, yet she manages to pursue her writing goals. Elsie has dreamed of writing a novel since she was a child, but her first love is poetry. We invite you to enjoy the poem she has shared with us.


A Reminder

Elsie Phipps

While sitting in my easy chair
I drifted off to sleep
I'd sat down for a moment
To rest my weary feet

I suddenly was awakened
By the sound of ringing bells
And a cold night air a blowing
Around my window sills

Someone was calling out to me
But I could see no face
I got up to close the window
That's when I saw the trace

Of a Christmas snow so lovely
It hung in the air like lace
And touched the tree limbs lightly
And gently kissed my face

All my cares and worries
Somehow were wiped away
I saw the beauty of the night
And fell to my knees to pray

That the gracious God above me
Would somehow understand
And forgive our striving after
The foolishness of man


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Poetics

Christine

Hooked

Why do you write poems?

For me, it is because I remember a little girl sitting on a big pillow in the middle of the den, amazed that her father can remember all those words that both rhyme and tell a story. I believed that he made it all up himself. Not for me the Mother Goose rhymes of cats and fiddles, of black sheep and Jacks and Jills. He would tell me of "Casey at the Bat" and "The Walrus and the Carpenter", and I was enchanted. This was our bond, poetry. The poems grew harder and more complicated as I got older. He would challenge me with lines, making me remember the poem they came from. Out came the books and we would read them together. I recall that we seemed to concentrate mostly on fun and nonsense, laughing at Ogden Nash and of course, those great poets, Anonymous and Unknown.

As I grew older I broke open the books by myself and discovered the more serious poets. I was in love with Sandburg, Longfellow, and Tennyson. In my sensitive, emotional teens, I turned to the poetry books when I was overcome with the tumultuous feelings of youth. Usually I found something that I could relate to. That was when I began writing. I wrote some of the most awful things you ever read! I wrote love dirges (yes, dirges) that were longer than the original infatuation. I wrote silly songs about classmates and gossip. I heard of the death of a friend of my mother's, a lady I liked a lot, and wrote a book length tirade to God about how unfair it all is. I have now, in my computer, some terrible, lengthy "divorce" poetry of lost love, shattered hopes, ill treatment - you name it, I got it.

Somewhere along the line, poetry became my outlet. Yes, I try to write stories in prose, and I am still struggling with a classic novel. But when it comes to it, when I feel that I MUST write something NOW, it is always a poem. It doesn't matter if the sentences are complete, if the phrase is not perfect, as long as the feeling, the idea, is there. Rhymed poetry demands so much that by the time I am through getting the meter and the words to work, I have exhausted the original emotion and switched my concentration to the mechanics. This is a form of therapy for me, I am sure. But free verse flows. I can just let my senses take me from plateau to plateau, until I have exhausted all thoughts. Then if I want to keep it, I go back and work on it.

I know some people who use poetry to hone their writing skills. Poetry cuts to the chase, gets rid of all the unneeded stuff, and just tells us what we need to know. It is an easy way to develop a scene, a character, and I don't know about the plot, but probably could be used there, too. Write down all the stuff you know and want to tell about, then go back and cross out all the stuff that doesn't matter. Put it into a sensible order, and you will have a crude, free verse poem. Then let it out again, slowly. This is the real story you want to tell.

Whenever you feel bad, good, disappointed, happy - write a poem about that feeling. It helps. When you have a decision to make, write it down. By the time you concentrate on what you are writing the decision comes to you. A friend told me she writes poetry because it has to contain what she termed "power packed" words. The idea is to express your thought as consisely as possible. "Power Packed" ...has a nice ring to it. I think I'll save that one for future use.

Why don’t you write poetry?

I have heard most of the reasons.

  • There is no real reason for Poetry
  • Poetry is for "wimps"
  • I can't rhyme
  • I can't write

O.K. - No real reason? Turn on the television and listen to the commercials. Those jingles are poems. Turn on your radio, tape or C.D. player. Those songs are poems. Read a story to your child. Chances are, it was written in a poetry format, even though you had to turn the pages. Read a book. Almost every book I have ever read has, at one time or another, referred to a poem or song - even if it was just one line.

Wimps? I will admit, I haven't met many famous poets. However, I have met men and women who adore the medium. Most of them are just like you and me. My father is a retired military officer, 6' tall and anything but a wimp. Yet he can still recite more poetry than I remember being able to read in one sitting.

As for the 'I can't rhyme or write’ theory- if you can voice your protest so that it can be understood, if you can tell of an incident that happened to you at work, at school, or at home and get the response you were looking for, you can write. Just put down the words that you would say. Aren't most of the things you enjoy reading written so you can understand them? And poetry has nothing to do with rhyme - in fact, most modern poets will tell you that rhyme is passe' (although I personally love it).

Try this. Pick an incident. What color was the sky (The sky was azure blue)? What did it remind you of (Like the clear water in the spring)? Where were you (we had a picnic on the meadow)? Who was there? (me and my boyfriend)? What else do you think of (it was hot and the ants came, but we were napping and didn't care)? When you get through, take out all the hard, concrete stuff and leave in the esoteric. You will have the beginnings of a great poem. It might be great already.

Azure Blue sky,
Clear, cool water.
A picnic on the grass.
Lying with my love
Under the warm summer sun,
Noticing nothing

A crude beginning, but it's there. You will be hooked

And you will know why you write poetry.


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Sparks

Karen Grunberg

Facing your Fears

Do you remember being a little kid? What did you like to do? I liked to draw. Houses, people, animals; I could draw anything. No one dared tell me that my dog looked more like a kangaroo or that monkeys weren't green. Everything I created looked perfect. Sometime between then and now, I figured that drawing was hard. That I had to have 'talent' to do it. People told me about perspective, proportion, and color coordination. As a little girl, I could draw. As a grownup, I can't really.

I have this idea that I'm not the only one with this phenomenon. Also that drawing isn't the only thing that seems to require more talent as you get older. So does playing an instrument, acting, singing, writing, and many other subjects. The childish confidence somehow gives way to adulthood cowardice. This month's exercise tries to cure this insecurity.

There are two ways to face this problem. The first way is to stop doing it altogether. I can admit that I cannot draw and let those who can, keep doing it. Or I can decide that it doesn't matter what others think and draw anyway. If I decided to quit my job tomorrow and become an artist, you might tell me to face the facts and maybe invest in some more practice time before I completely cut off my source of income. But if I just want to draw for personal pleasure or if I decide to enroll in some classes with the future hope of pursuing a career in drawing, any decent person should know to offer nothing but encouragement.

For the sake of this exercise, let's assume you chose the second option and that you decided to 'go for it.' To make it somewhat more applicable, let's change the subject to writing. Let's say I want to write a book, but I'm afraid I can't. The first thing to do is figure out why I feel scared to write. This is the time to go grab the pen and paper cause we're going to make a list. Go!

All right, now, make a list of what scares you about writing. This list is intended to concentrate on the mechanics and types of writing and not that you're scared people will laugh at it. For the sake of the exercise, let's assume no one else will see your writing. Try to get as detailed as possible. Here's an example:

  • dialogue conveying emotions
  • creating vivid descriptions
  • realistic dialogue
  • writing mysteries
  • a sexually explicit scene
  • from the perspective of a child
  • from third person POV - or second or first
  • changing perspective in a scene
  • grammar
  • coming up with plot ideas
  • writing within a certain word limit
  • writing poetry
  • punctuation
  • beginnings that suck the reader in

Write for as long as you can, without thinking too hard. List the first things that come to your mind.

Once the list is complete, organize it according to what you consider most essential to you. For example, if you don't write stories that include couples, you wouldn't necessarily need to be great at writing sex scenes, but you would need to work on dialogue. After sorting the list, pick the first item and throw away all your fears. Give yourself permission to write badly and tell yourself no one can tell you that you suck.

Let's say I picked dialogue; I feel uncomfortable writing dialogue that conveys emotions. For the next hour, my task is to write stories composed entirely of dialogue. I have to write a dialogue about a woman whose husband just left her, a man whose mother died, a teenager who got accepted to the college of her choice, a pair of parents who have to tell their children that they're getting a divorce. Any emotional situation that comes to my mind.

What's the worst that can happen? I am no more comfortable with writing emotional dialogue than I was before. In the best case scenario, I found a way to tap into my childish ignorance and can now learn to master my ability to make people talk emotionally on paper. Most realistically, I took a step to becoming better, and if I keep at it, chances are the next time I make up a similar list, this item won't be on it.

Don't let anyone tell you that you can't. And most importantly, remember to have fun!
- Karenika

PS: If you have any sparkling ideas, please email them to me at: karenika@wvu.org. Anything that worked for you might help another writer who's struggling, as well.


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Spotlight

Priscilla Fagan

Over the holiday I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Vanessa Grant, author of 27 romance novels including The Colors of Love (her newest) and Pacific Disturbance. She is also winner of Under the Covers Best Writing Book award 1998 for Writing Romance. A multi-talented and mega-busy lady she can be found not only writing but lecturing and running an electronic publishing company. Now living on the Gulf Islands on the West Coast of Canada with her husband and assorted pets I'm sure you'll enjoy hearing about the busy life of Vanessa Grant as much as I did. You can learn more about Ms.Grant and her upcoming seminars and workshops on her web page (http://www.vgrant.com).

T-zero: Vanessa, you've 27 romance novels to your credit. That's quite impressive. What prompted you to write the how-to book Writing Romance?

Grant: Until I sold my fifth book, I worked as a Business Administration instructor at a community college. I'd always enjoyed teaching, but I had no idea how exciting it could be until 3 years after I left my college job, when I was asked to give a writer's workshop at a retreat in 1990. I discovered that working with developing writers is tremendously energizing and rewarding for me. In addition to the personal satisfaction of helping others develop writing and storytelling skills, my own fiction benefits as I continually re-examine the storytelling process.

Because I love talking about writing so much, I accepted many other seminar requests, and I soon had a filing cabinet full of handouts and lecture notes on everything from plotting to brain sex. Then Self Counsel Press asked me if I would write a book about Romance for their new Writing Series, and I leapt at the chance to take all those lecture notes and put them into one coherent whole, and I really enjoyed the process of working on this book.

T-zero: Tell us a little bit about your lecture circuit and seminars.

Grant: After "Writing Romance" was published, my lecturing activities grew to the point where I was having trouble finding writing time. I've always been a multi-tasking person, so teaching doesn't usually slow down my writing, but I'd become too booked with personal appearances that required time-consuming travel.

Since many of my lectures and workshops are available on audiotape from my website (http://www.vgrant.com) and from Amazon.com, I decided in 1999 to be more selective about personal appearances, and to focus more on Internet seminars. Malaspina University-College asked me to develop an online web based Writing Romance course, which ran in the fall of 1999, and was a great success. It's running again in March 2000 and already has people from England, the US, and Canada on the waitlist. Anyone who wants on the waitlist can see the course outline and registration information at my website (http://www.vgrant.com/wronline.htm).

I taught an e-mail based online course in Myths and Mystery for Coffin in September 1999, focusing on the archetypes and steps of the hero's journey as they appear in mystery, suspense and romantic suspense. I believe the Hero's Journey is one of the best resources a writer can access for storytelling, and loved teaching this course so much that I'm offering an updated version of the course from my own web site in January. The complete course outline and more information is available at my website (http://www.vgrant.com/events.htm).

In addition to the two scheduled Internet courses, I'll be giving a day long writers' workshop at the Surrey Writer's Mini Conference on February 19th, and offering a variety of genre writing courses at locations on Vancouver Island through the winter. Dates and descriptions are posted online (http://www.vgrant.com/events.htm).

I plan to focus more and more on online delivery, as I believe the online format allows for a great deal more interaction between instructor and student, and stimulates exciting discussions. This spring I'm planning to offer more courses and add-ons focusing on the hero's journey in romance and suspense.

T-zero: What is your background? Did you always write romance?

Grant:I grew up as an only child in a construction family. Because we moved frequently, I was usually the new kid at school, and lonely. I became a bookworm and read everything - romance, mystery, science fiction. I fantasized writing novels from my 11th birthday when my parents gave me a portable typewriter, and when I was 12 I tried to write a romance novel. It foundered on page 50, but I never gave up the dream. I got married and my first husband became a lighthouse keeper on the west coast of British Columbia. While I was having babies and baking bread on the lighthouse, I was also writing my first three - unpublished! - novels. After my marriage broke up and I moved off the lighthouses, I tried my hand at freelance writing, and wrote regular commentaries for radio, and articles for regional newspapers and a glossy yachting magazine. But I found free lancing frustrating and changed gears, moving into accounting.

But although I became an accountant and later taught Business courses at a community college, I never forgot the dream of writing, and in 1983 when my second husband Brian was working night shifts, I wrote and sold to Harlequin a romance called Pacific Disturbance. From there I just kept going, and after selling my 5th romance, I quit my day job and Brian and I took a two year sailing trip to Mexico. The Mexican trip was great for research, and we enjoyed it, but we became very homesick and when we returned to the Pacific Northwest in 1989 we bought property and built the home we plan to live in for many years to come.

T-zero: Is writing romance still your first love or do you enjoy lecturing more?

Grant: My writing and teaching are so intertwined. If forced to choose, I'd say that I enjoy writing more, although not specifically writing romance. I recently spent 3 years working on two dark thrillers which were not romances, and found that extremely rewarding. I love writing about people and the relationship tangles they get into as they work to achieve their dreams. However, as I write and read, I often find myself analyzing the writing and storytelling process, and I have a need to share my thoughts and theories - I guess that's where the seminars come in, because the only thing as exciting as a writing a great scene, is talking about what makes stories work and seeing someone else get excited about their own ideas as a result.

T-zero: What's the best advice you've ever received about writing?

Grant: When I was in grade 9, my English teacher had a quote from Browning's Andrea del Sarto above the blackboard: "A man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a heaven for?" I don't think it was any accident that it was while I was in his class that I started my first, unfinished novel, or won my first creative writing award. Those words have become my guide, both as a writer and a person, and I am happiest with myself when I'm trying to do more, to do better, to find a way to go beyond where I've gone before.

T-zero: Is this the advice you'd give to new writers or do you have some other words of wisdom?

Grant: I'd translate Brownings words to: "A writer's reach should exceed her grasp, or what's a heaven for?" (or his, of course, if the writer is a man.) I'd also say this to new writers:

There are two essential components to wonderful writing - storytelling, and the craft of writing. Both are essential, and unless you're one of those rare writers who's first unrevised work becomes an immediate bestseller, you'll need to study both storytelling and the craft of writing. To study storytelling, begin by looking at the books you love best, and examine what it is about these stories that appeals to you, what you feel passionately about. You'll do your best writing when you write about those things you feel most passionately about. If your own writing lacks any of the excitement of the books you love, then find out why. Take courses, read fiction and books about writing, study psychology to understand your subject - people - better, learn to analyze your own work. Always be looking for a way to make your own work better, even after you're published, but no matter what any "expert" tells you, never change a word in your novel unless you yourself believe the change belongs in your work.

T-zero: As I mentioned you've written 27 romance novels, do you have a favorite?

Grant: My favorite tends to change from month to month. I'm very fond of my new book, "The Colors of Love", which will be released by Zebra in February 2000. It's the story of a heroine who has just achieved success as an artist after leaving a career as an accountant, and a hero who likes his women rational, sensible, and not too tempting. I really enjoyed the relationship between hero and heroine in The Colors of Love, and the story was tremendous fun to write. Of my older titles, I'm particularly fond of "One Secret Too Many", a romance I wrote for Harlequin about 10 years ago, about the emotional journey of a very sheltered young woman with an overactive fantasy life who becomes pregnant, and the father of her child, a man who believes he should never have a family.

T-zero: What do you like to do in your time-off? You mentioned sailing for two years in Mexico.

Grant: We lived on our sailboat for 10 years, including 2 years sailing in Mexico. After returning from Mexico, Brian and I both felt we'd satisfied our urge to go sailing off into the sunset, and we sold the boat. Since then we've become involved in so many different activities that our time off is very limited. In addition to writing, I've become involved in lecturing and running an electronic publishing company. I enjoy all these activities, but I'm often exhausted when I get time off, so love to read a good book - usually a romance or mystery - and take my dogs for a long walk. When we manage time off together (difficult as Brian runs a busy computer store), we spend quiet time in our rural home, or travel, exploring Canada and the US by car or motorhome.

T-zero: Now a little fun the James Lipton way......

  1. What is your favorite word? Passion
  2. What is your least favorite word? Mud
  3. What turns you on or is your favorite thing? Stories
  4. What turns you off? Red tape and paperwork
  5. What sound or noise do you love? Guitar
  6. What sound or noise to you hate? Vacuum cleaner
  7. What profession other than writing would you like to attempt? Artist/painter
  8. What profession would you never attempt? Owning a retail store
  9. If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive? Good work

Vanessa Grant will be the Guest at the WVU Guest Chat.
Please watch the WVU Calendar for the date, time and place. Also remember that subscribing to T-zero does NOT confer WVU membership. For membership information please go to the WVU membership information page.


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STARS

STARS is our way of showing off the talent displayed on the boards at Fiction 99. Each month we choose one lesson and search for the best posted assignment in each study group that follows the requirements of the lesson exactly. No easy task, I can assure you! Talent abounds at Fiction 99 and there is just sooo much to choose from. Students are asked for permission to submit their selected assignment to the editors of T-zero, receive feedback on their submissions from the editors and have a chance at seeing their assignment published on the pages of T-zero. While we certainly wish we could show them all to you, we think you'll enjoy the one assignment that really caught our fancy. I think you'll agree, this STAR really shines!

Lesson of the Month: Characterization - Character development through dialogue

Requirements: Create an interview where the is our way of showing off the talent displayed on the boards at Fiction 99

This Month's Selected Assignment:
"Characterization - Interview Rewrite -- DISCLAIMER: Some strong language & a few $6 words!"

Author: Pyro
Study Group: The Andre Norton Room

"Of all the consarned, freeble-thoatin', dad-blasted.!"

"Pardon, sir?"

"It's this damned workshop, Abraxas! They want stuff so. elementary! I feel like I'm back in high school freshman English Comp!"

"Meaning?"

"Meaning that they mis-title all the assignments, give misleading cues and then, when you submit something that is (if you'll excuse my humble opinion) a cut above the ordinary, they alternately ask you to submit it to the E-zine and tell you it ain't what they assigned!"

"Perhaps then, you are reading too much into the assignments, sir?"

"I guess! But what they want me to do is to write a friggin' interview!

"The consarned title is Characterization and they spend the first several paragraphs giving you ideas of what characterization is. WHICH IS WHAT I WROTE!!! And it hasn't a FLIPPIN' thing to do with the actual assignment!"

"And you paid how much for this course, sir?"

"Um, I, uh."

"Point to them sir."

"Abraxas, I hate it when you're right!"

"I know, sir. Say! I could interview YOU!"

"Eh? What's that?"

"I could be the interviewer and you the interviewee!"

"You know what Heinlein said about nosy questions?"

"What was that, sir?"

"He said: "Go to hell!" or other insult direct is all the answer a snoopy question rates!"

"But, sir, as a stockbroker, don't you interview others on a daily basis?"

"And your point is?"

"Well, sir, you should know how to write an interview simply enough. And if you don't know who or what to interview, perhaps I could interview you! What do you do with prospects that won't answer your questions?"

"I show them the freakin' door!"

"Well, since you wish to be uncooperative with the Mentors."

"I'M uncooperative??? What about those titles on the assignments. those long-winded intro's to the assignments that have nothing to do with what you're supposed to write??! Um, why are your scales turning that funny color?"

"Hmmm, I see sir. Um, I'm about to belch."

"Wha? OH SHIT!. Let me open a window first!"

"BRRRRRAAAAAAAACCCCKKKKK!"

"Whew! Did you HAVE to eat onions, Abraxas? My god, dragons have bad enough breath without adding to it."

"Sorry sir. Now, shall I interview you?"

"Hell no!"

"But it would be the assignment sir!"

"Yeah, but I'm not comfortable with revealing a lot about myself!"

"Well, then you could interview ME sir!"

"We did that in the introduction."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Hmmm. Well, sir, I could ask you about your religio-philosophical beliefs."

"I think everyone here knows I'm an ex-Catholic turned combination Presbyterian/Druid/Solipsist."

"But do they understand what that means, sir?"

"Probably not."

"Do you mean to say, sir, that you are a disestablishmentarian?"

"You mean an anarchist? Hell no!"

"No sir, a disestablishmentarian is one who opposes an established order."

"And that's a friggin' anarchist! I'm not one of those."

"Hmmm... OK, then, you're more of a dissident then, sir?"

"That might be a little more accurate, in an amusing sort of way!"

"OK, we agree on that then."

"Yes, and you can get your friggin snout out of the dictionary! Why are you in the "dis" section anyway."

"Oh, um, no real reason, sir!"

"Yeah, right. What are you doing on the computer, Abraxas?"

"I'm in my on-line cooking class, sir!"

"OK, as long as you aren't fooling around with that stupid workshop of mine!"

"I wouldn't dream of doing that, sir. Um... Could you, at least, explain what a Solipsist is?"

"Sure! It's a person that believes the only things that can be known are what one directly experiences. That the self is the only real thing that exists."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning that the world, for the most part. or for all part as far as I know, exists only as a figment of my fertile imagination. If you're a writer, you create your own little worlds and are a God of sorts. The characters follow their own destinies, but an author creates their world. Therefore, most writers have to be solipsists to a certain extent. So, who is to say that the deity or 'creator' that many out there worship isn't just some frustrated author taking a freakin' online writers workshop???"

"Surely you jest, sir!"

"I do not! Prove to me you exist!"

"To quote an existentialist, 'I think, therefore I am.'"

"I'm hoping that didn't sound half as stupid to you as it did to me!"

"The question you ask, sir, is unwinable and therefore moot."

"Exactly!"

"Exactly what???"

"Exactly the point of Solipsism! Or to put it another way, 'Why Worry?' See what I mean?"

"Hmmm. You mean, Don't Worry, Be Happy?"

"Yes! Don't let the characters ruin your life! You wrote them!!!"

"Hmmm. that gives me another idea for your interview, sir!"

"What's that?"

"Well, there are several of your potential story-characters out in the multi-dimensional waiting room that you could interview!!"

"Maybe later."

"So, you aren't going to do a rewrite?"

"Naw, it would be a waste of time. Margaret would just tell me I didn't do it right again!"

"Well then, may I go back to my on-line cooking class, sir."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever!"


T-Zero: The Writer's Ezine
http://TheWritersEzine.com
Copyright 1998 - 2007, Writopia Inc. All Rights Reserved

 

© Copyright 1998 - 2007, Writopia Inc. All rights reserved