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Insights

Koh Tin Peng

"It's my life"

I can identify with the Insights article by Lori Morgan, Needtochangeitis, where she laments that she might be going through a mid-life crises as she is experiencing unhappiness and always feels that she should do something different with her life. Maybe that is because I am going through a quarter-life crisis. I am uncertain of my direction and always feel that I should do something different and more exciting than what I am currently doing.

Having been out of university for a few years and worked in a few full-time jobs I don’t really like, I am starting to wonder what I should do with my life and what should be my career. Most of my other friends in their twenties are working full-time and they seem contented. At times, I wondered why I was different. Why couldn't I follow the masses? Knowing I was very different from my other friends caused me much unhappiness. For years, I considered myself a bit strange as my thinking didn’t fit in with my friends of the same age. It made me quite a lonely person since the only one I could depend on is myself, and at times I couldn’t even do that. I had low self-esteem and wanted approval from others. I felt safe if I was among the majority. However, by following the majority and not my heart, I was unhappy with myself. All this unhappiness coming from the misconception that I had no control over how I wanted to lead my life finally took its toll and caused depression. I knew that I didn’t want to follow the road always travelled by graduates: get a job, get a husband, have a few children and work in a stable job until retirement. I wanted to be able to follow my heart and not perform for other people’s approval.

I am different and so are all the other people. Each of us is a unique individual that has a unique life path. After this realisation, everything became clear and finally, I am able to put down the burden of being the nice and accommodating person who has everyone's approval except my own, and do things that are close to my heart. I value my right to be myself even if I am different and strange in the eyes of others.

After this realisation, I made up my mind to pursue a childhood dream of becoming a writer and decided that there is no better time to start than the present since I was without a job and had lots of time to spare. However, six months after I first made the decision, I still haven’t done much. I like to read and write in my diary regularly and I have started to put more effort into writing down my thoughts and ideas and noting interesting findings from my readings. However, I have not done the most important thing: to write and submit my writings regularly to editors. I believe that I am afraid of failure. I did submit a few pieces to editors in the first two months but I got no replies. I start to wonder if maybe I’m not cut out to be a writer and maybe I’m just too young to have anything interesting to offer. Once, when I told a friend that I wanted to be a writer, she commented that I was just too young and inexperienced and asked if my English was that great. I felt disheartened at her comments but after some thinking, I disagreed with what she said. Although I am young, I have a lot of ideas and strong analytical skills. Although experience is important, being observant is also another way for us to get good ideas and I am an observant person. As for that comment about my English, although it is not flawless, I know that I can write understandable English and am constantly making the effort to improve my language skills.

From the start, when I decided to give my long-time dream of becoming a writer a chance to become reality, I wanted to support myself by writing. However, as time went by, I realise I was unrealistic in my expectations. I did not major in English or Journalism in university and I don’t have any published clips to showcase my work. Thus my lack of relevant education and zero published work did not help in my chance to get a job in writing. Wanting to venture into freelance non-fiction writing, I got stuck because at times, I was confused about what topics I should write about as I don’t have any particular niche areas in which I am knowledgeable. I don’t even know how to go about sourcing for assignments after getting no replies from the few queries I have sent. Thus, up till now I haven’t done any writing that pays except writing educational materials which I don’t considered to be writing as it is mostly mathematics.

In order to support myself and to pay the bills, I started to take up assignments teaching computer skills to kids in school in additional to writing educational materials for companies and tutoring students in their homes.

At times, I tell myself maybe I should start to look for a full-time job, as freelancing does not provide me with a stable income but I know that I won’t be happy working full-time, at least for now. I am still content doing freelancing and although I don’t earn as much as I used to, I just tell myself that I should do what is best for myself. I'd rather earn much less and be happy than to stress myself physically and mentally doing something that I don’t enjoy. Freelancing also allows me to slow down and smell the roses. I am not as bad-tempered as before, as I have enough rest and relaxation.

Working on a freelance basis also provides me more time to pursue my dream of writing. Now I have more time to read up on how to write better articles and how to source for ideas and assignments. A less hectic lifestyle also makes me more receptive to my surroundings and better able to observe life around me.

At times, I still have doubts about my writing ability but I know that self-doubt is inevitable; even Stephen King experience self-doubt in the start of his writing career. Why should I be so different? Seldom do people become overnight successes. Most people work hard at their crafts for many years before their talents are recognised. I am still a novice and I have lots to learn and improve on. Thus I remind myself that from now, I should not only do more writing but also more submissions. One of the criteria for becoming a writer is the ability to handle rejections, and I try to see rejection as another step closer to the acceptance of my writing.

Writing is a skill that needs lots of practice. Being able to fully support myself through writing is a goal that I will work toward. It is my dream to have a book published in my name someday. Although I don’t know when that day will come, I know that I have to try or else I will regret it. Thus it is with newfound courage that I decided once again to submit a piece of my writing.

Koh Tin Peng (kohtinpeng@yahoo.com.sg) is a female in her mid-twenties living in Singapore. She has just started pursuing writing as a career and hope that one day, she can publish her own book. To support herself while pursuing the dream of becoming a full-time writer, she teaches and writes education materials on a freelance basis. Inspired by the Insights column by Lori Morgan, she decided to pen this article to talk about her struggle to become a writer.