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Signs of Life

Nancy Horner

Christmas Valentine's Easter Letters ­
A Story of Procrastination

I've blown it, again. Christmas is long gone, Valentine's Day has passed by with a whoosh of chocolate and flowers, St. Patrick's Day is on the way; and, I haven't gotten around to the annual Christmas letter. I haven't even managed to send out cards with our names scrawled at the bottom.

Just before Valentine's Day, I thought I’d get this belated letter-writing job done in time to slap heart-shaped stamps on the front of each envelope. In preparation, I gathered the envelopes and chopped the flap of each envelope with a heart-shaped hole punch. Rounding up the photographs of the kids, I placed them in a stack, unfortunately not in a very convenient location, then plastered return address labels on the front of each envelope. All that remained was to write a new letter, since the one I began to write in December was already outdated, buy some heart stamps and jot down the proper mailing addresses. Simple, right?

Wrong.

On Friday of that week, I went to the post office to fetch some stamps. There were still more than ten days remaining until Valentine's Day, so I thought I had plenty of time. I stood in line with a box that I needed to mail, and then asked the postal worker for something that would work for a Valentine’s theme.

"Flowers would do," I told the clerk, thinking that opening up options would mean I could find some kind of Valentiney alternative.

"We don't have any flower stamps," she said.

"No flowers?"

"Nope, nothing but fruit."

"Fruit?" I shouldn't have been so stunned. Our post office has never been known for its broad variety of colorful postage options.

"Yep, just fruit. We sold out of heart stuff last week. We don't get a whole lot, you know."

"No hearts, flowers, love stamps? None of that?"

"Just fruit."

I didn't even bother to ask whether or not American flags were available, since the alternatives were obviously narrowed down to edibles only.

"Okay," I said, "I'll take two books, then."

The postal clerk slapped two books of self-stick apple and orange stamps on the counter and took my money.

Back at home, armed with my fresh fruit stamps, I decided that I would pay the bills using the orange stamps and save the apples for the Christmas Valentine letters, apples being red and therefore closer to the concept of a Valentine theme. The book of stamps began to take on the look of a checkerboard as I peeled the oranges away, leaving apple stamps behind.

Unfortunately, Valentine's Day came and went. I began to fret because even the Valentine theme I'd begun with the heart punch was now pointless. I looked back into my little mailing drawer, where I keep the mailing labels and stamps. Santa Claus peered back at me, apples sat in their little checkerboard, and I knew I didn't have any kind of rubber stamp, stickers or punch that resembled a St. Patrick's theme. Now what? I sent out a note to friends, informing them that I still hadn't managed to write the Christmas letter and wondering whether I should simply give up until next Christmas.

"How about sending out Easter letters?" One friend replied. Easter. There's a thought. No bunnies or eggs were to be found in the house, so I headed for the craft store, where I found a rubber stamp with a bunny on it. "Fur's Class," it says in one corner. In the middle is a bunny with a heart-shaped tail, the best of both worlds for my multi-holiday theme. I would use Christmas stamps on envelopes with a heart-shaped punch and then stamp the back side of the envelope with Easter bunnies.

I set the bunny stamp beside the pile of envelopes next to my computer. Within hours, my husband walked by.

"Hey," I said. "I got a bunny stamp for the Christmas Valentine's Easter letters."

"Great." He peered over my shoulder. "That's not a bunny. That's a bunny's butt."

Well, okay, the bunny is hopping in the other direction. "I thought that was good. See, his tail is heart-shaped."

"It's a bunny butt." He said. "You're going to stamp our letters with a bunny butt?"

I sighed. "It's an Easter thing. See, it says 'Fur's Class'’" He shook his head and left the room, muttering about bunny butts and humiliation.

The annual letter still hasn't been written, but I'm prepared. In case the envelopes don't make it out the door by Easter, I have a whole sheet of leftover American Flag stickers all ready to slap onto a stack of envelopes.