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Healthy Horizons

Laurie Lupold

The Stare

Are you there? I can't hear you. My stare is fixated on a slice of air. I'm numb. I don't feel. I don't respond. I can't even sense that life exists. You might have been openly having a conversation with me then suddenly without warning I disappear. Maybe you don't notice it or maybe you think I am simply being rude.

I can promise you wholeheartedly that I don't purposely lose myself in a fog, it just happens that way. I'd prefer to be focused on my life at all times but this IS a part of my life, one which I can't escape.

My therapist thinks it might be due to overmedication. Myself, I wonder if it isn't just another effect of the conditions I have. Then which one could it be? Schizoeffective? Bipolar? Depression? Anxiety? Panic? Delusional Disorder? My doctor doesn't share everything with me. I only knew he was treating me for schizoeffective disorder because I saw it on a sheet for lab work. Of course I have never come straight out and asked. Afraid of hearing more, I guess. I know the abovementioned are diagnosed. Not sure if he is still diagnosing me with schitzoeffective disorder.

Anyhow I didn't mean to use my column as a posting board for my case scenario. It's just the staring gets to me a lot. I lose any thought I might have had in an instant because of it. Not to sound selfish but it's not fair that I have to go through life missing minutes of it that add up to days, that then add up to years. I feel like I'm being bullied by my illness. :-(