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Craft of Writing

Donna Sundblad

Trimming The Excess From Your Writing

"We'd like to publish your story." I hit the button and replayed the message. The voice on the tape announced the acceptance of my short story "Shelter in the Shadows." Penury Press planned to include it in their anthology, Who Died in Here. My inaugural break into print resulted from entering a contest. I proofread, edited, corrected, rewrote, and welcomed critiques from my writing peers before I submitted my manuscript.

This story originated in a scene from a writing exercise. The first draft weighed in at nearly 3,500 words. The allotted word count 2,500. The problem: How do you cut 1,000 words and keep your story in tact?

The steps put forth in this article will foster the skills you need to recognize weak verbs and various forms of redundancy. As examples, I use edited clips from this article. These freshly sliced selections highlight changes, point out reasons for the modifications, and emphasize the difference in word count.

Less Is More
Sharpen your focus. Look for what I call "lazy words." These weights slip in and bog down your pace. Not only do idle words add to your word count, they encourage the use of weak verbs. For instance, words like "suddenly" or "basically" are popular lazy words. Consider the phrase, "Suddenly, there was...". Notice the idle "there" and the weak, passive "was". These non-working words breed more of the same and generate a passive voice. Don't tell the reader that something suddenly occurred. Show it. Use short active sentences to add to the effect. "Suddenly, there was a light" tells us the story while "A light blinked on" helps us see the light.

A popular collection point for descriptive wordiness occurs at the beginning of a story or chapter. These first few sentences let us hook the reader. Setting the scene tempts us to dump a pile of eloquent vocabulary within a few paragraphs. Why use an overflow of descriptive terms? We want the reader to see what we see. Long-winded wordiness accomplishes the opposite. The overuse of adjectives and excess modifiers distract and bore readers. Hone your descriptions and sprinkle them throughout your action, and carefully consider your verb choice.

Selection of an active verb that compliments your subject will alleviate the need for superfluous verbiage. Check your use of adjectives and adverbs to see if you are trying to use them to describe your action rather than finding the right verb to do the job. This approach lets readers learn about their environment as they move through the pages.

Example
Original: "To my delight, the voice on the tape…" (8 words)
Revision: "The voice on the tape…" (5 words)

The focus in the first sentence is diluted. When I struck the words "to my delight", the tightened focus points to the voice on the answering machine, and the change reduced my word count by three.

Example
Original: "We'd like to publish your story." I'll never forget the thrill and surge of adrenaline. (15 words)
Revision: "We'd like to publish your story." (5 words)

This is purpose-driven editing. Grammatically, there is nothing wrong with the words I eliminated. They are factual, but the rush of adrenaline is unnecessary information within the context of this article. These irrelevant details stray from the focus of how to reduce your word count—the purpose of this piece. The fact that I replayed the message offers the feel of excitement and moves the story forward.

Weak Verbs
Craft your words to propel the reader into other times, lives, and worlds. Prudently conscripted verbs spur the direction of your story. Weak verbs such as "is," "was," "are," "had been," and "have been" tend to stagnate amid a collection of dormant verbiage. Readers stuck in such a quagmire skim the pages searching for the next interesting passage. Why? These verbs tend to tell us the story in a passive voice rather than involve us in the action. In the following examples, "are" and "is" breed more non-working words. Elimination of the verb and its baggage transforms the voice from passive to crisp and active.

Example
Original: Ask yourself if the details you are reading are moving the story forward. (13 words)
Revision: Do your details drive the story forward? (7 words)

Original: This is an often overlooked form of redundancy that lurks to hinder the flow. (14 words)
Revision 1: This overlooked form of redundancy lurks to hinder the flow. (10 words)
Revision 2: This overlooked form of redundancy hinders the flow. (8 words)

Revision 1 of our second example works adequately. "That" does nothing to push the sentence forward and neither does "often" as an expression of just how overlooked this form of redundancy is—"overlooked" is "overlooked," regardless of how often. In Revision 2, we cut another two words since it can be argued that "overlooking" implies that something is left behind to lurk; whether it is or not, it's the kind of elaborate phrasing that usually meets the Delete key when a writer has to cut a substantial amount of verbiage from a piece of writing.

Redundancy
Read your piece out loud. Watch for repeated points. There's no need to clog your text with information already provided. Do your details drive the story forward?

Example
Original: The first rough draft weighed in at approximately 3,500 words. (10 words)
Revision 1: The first draft weighed in at approximately 3,500 words. (9 words)
Revision 2: The first draft weighed in at nearly 3,500 words. (9 words)

A first draft is rough. The term "first rough draft" is redundant, which is why we cut it in Revision 1. While Revision 2 is the same number of words, compare the way the sentence flows with "nearly" instead of "approximately." With the quickness of the sentence, as established through shorter words, running into the word "approximately" is the reader's equivalent of hitting a speed bump at 45 miles per hour in their car.

Example
Original: Watch for things not worth mentioning. (6 words)
Revision 1: Watch for repeated points not worth mentioning. (7 words)
Revision 2: Watch for repeated points. (4 words)

Be sure to read and reread your revised work. When I replaced the ambiguous "things" with the more concise "repeated points" the words "not worth mentioning" became redundant. The editing process produces new opportunities for redundancy.

Example
Original: I expanded a scene I had written earlier in the week and within the week I finished the rough draft. (20 words)
Revision 1: I came up with my own idea as a result of a writing exercise. (14 words)
Revision 2: This story found its origin in a writing exercise. (9 words)
Revision 3: This story originated in a writing exercise. (6 words)

In the original example, the word "I" is used three times, the word "week" is used twice, and the focus is on when I wrote and how long it took. This sentence did not point the reader in the proper direction. Revision 1 is shorter, but the focus is on my idea and me. Plus, "my" and "own" say the same thing. This overlooked form of redundancy hinders the flow of our written words. Revision 2 is concise; I am out of the picture and the focus is on the story. Revision 3 thrusts us toward the need to reduce word count.

Example
Original: I hit the replay button to replay the message on the answering machine. (13 words)
Revision 1: I hit the button and replayed the message. (8 words)
Revision 2: I replayed the message. (4 words)

This redundancy—the same word repeated within the sentence or a nearby sentence—needs to be avoided. Revision 1 is shorter while still maintaining a narrative feel. The more severe edit in Revision 2 is another example of the kind of elaborative writing that often doesn't survive major edits. One useful tool to help eliminate repetition can be found at http://www.wordcounter.com.  This site lets you copy and paste your text into a window, provides a list of the top 25 words used and an exact count for each word.

Small Words Still Count
Size does not matter when it comes to word count. Small words used to connect our thoughts on paper add up quickly. The weak verb in the following sentence—"will"—flagged the need for revision. The editing process led to the elimination of some small, unnecessary words. In the final revision, I changed "edit" to "selections" to avoid redundancy.

Example
Original: These freshly sliced edits will highlight changes and point out why the modifications were necessary along with the difference in the word count. (23 words)

Revision 1: These freshly sliced edits highlight changes, point out the reasons behind the necessary modifications, and emphasize the difference in the word count. (22 words)

Revision 2: These freshly sliced selections highlight changes, point out reasons behind the necessary modifications, and emphasize the difference in the word count. (21 words)

Revision 3: These freshly sliced selections highlight changes, point out reasons for the modifications, and emphasize the difference in word count. (19 words)

In the previous example, note the effect that deleting two instances of "the" has on the sentence. "Necessary" was deemed redundant; if the modifications were made—and particularly so for this article—then they were "necessary." "Behind" was exchanged for the shorter "for", but not because there was anything grammatically wrong with the original word choice. Consider, though, the "visual break" that a shorter word provides in a sentence full of multi-syllabic words; then read the original and Revision 3. Do you notice how the latter seems to "read faster"?

How To Do It
Take another look at your writing.

1. Highlight every other sentence with alternating colors. This alerts your brain to a new sentence when the story seeks to absorb you during the editing process. Circle the weak verbs. Challenge yourself to eliminate them. Removing passive verbs also scratches the lazy words connected to them.

2. Keep your focus. What is your purpose? Read one sentence at a time. Are the words leading you where you want the reader to go, or have they taken you on a detour? Draw a line through the words that do not steer in the desired direction. Read through a printed copy of your manuscript to test the changes before you make them on your computer.

3. Underline your modifiers. This forces you to consider their necessity. When you eliminate weak verbs, your need for excess modifiers disappears.

4. Read your piece out loud. If it doesn't flow, ask yourself why. Have you repeated yourself in a different way? Used the same word? Are your adverbs or adjectives excessive and causing the pace to bog down? Make your needed modifications.

These four steps not only reduce word count but refine your work. Put into practice, they sculpt passive, wordy manuscripts into works of art ready for the submittal process.


About The Author
Donna Sundblad resides in Florida with her husband, Rick. She recently joined the fiction panel for T-Zero. Her credits include short stories published at Writer’s Hood, and Night Wind the Fiction Magazine. Articles on the craft of writing have appeared in T-Zero and are scheduled for the spring issue of The Rose and the Thorn. Her short mystery, "Shelter in the Shadows," was published in the anthology Who Died in Here by Penury Press. Donna can be reached at birdiesquill@yahoo.com.