The Writer's E-Zine
Home
Writers' Village University -
F2K: Free Fiction Writing Course -
ePress-online
Writers' Village
University Membership Information
Craft of Writing
Ebenezer Scrooge on Gifts for Writers
(as channeled by Lon Prater)
That ink-stained vagabond Mr. Dickens took it upon himself to add dramatic
detail to my story. To make it more satisfying as a work of fiction, he said—or
something to that effect. No, I’m not talking about the ghosts—alas, that part
was all too real. And I am in no way trying to say that pitiable tot Tim and
his family didn’t melt my old, cold heart. No, the part that still gives me
heartburn, even here in the Great Beyond, is that skipping, smiling, spendthrift
ending he libeled me with. To be sure, I wasn’t as miserly as I had been in the
past, but that doesn’t mean I’d ever condone squandering of the type Mr. Dickens
would have you believe. No, some things about a person can’t change that
dramatically, and being cheap happens to be one of them.
Which brings me to the present topic: Gifts for Writers. Bah! And Double Bah!
The very thought of it makes me want to squeeze my tuppence even tighter in my
fists. Of all the rookers in the world, writers are the last ones who need
gifts. All those overpriced literary baubles trotted out every Christmas for
friends and loved ones to spend money on! Ha! Well, I’m here to tell you that
once they have one of those new-fangled computators and home printing presses,
or at least access to one, there’s hardly a need to spend another dime on your
writer friend. The list below will prove it: Any gift that a writer actually
needs usually costs less than one of those inappropriately named “Value
Meals” you moderns seem to enjoy, and they probably already have it anyway.
SCROOGE’S EXTREMELY CHEAP GIFTS FOR WRITERS
| You Want To Buy Them. . . |
But All They Really Need Is. . . |
| Any of the billions of books intended to make the reader a better
writer |
1. A Library Card
2. An Internet connection and
the links to sites like
http://thewritersezine.com,
http://dictionary.com,
http://thesaurus.com and
http://wikipedia.org |
| Expensive pen and pencil set |
1. A pack of number twos and
a plastic sharpener
2. A no-frills black or blue
ink pen |
| Overpriced word-processing software |
A link to
http://www.openoffice.org |
| Story Structuring or Idea Developing software |
1) A pad of Post-it Notes or a package of index cards and room to
lay them out and shuffle them around 2) A spiral notebook, maybe two
if you catch them on sale. |
| Any of the various books designed to help writers market their work |
1) Any good library will have Literary Marketplace or at least
a copy of Writer’s Market, and more and more websites such as
http://www.ralan.com are offering
free genre-specific market listings chock-full of current information.
2. The library and links too cheap for gifts, even from a Scrooge? Well
then, give them a book of stamps instead; all that submitting of heavy
manuscripts and partials can get expensive after awhile! |
| A cutesy page a day calendar, or other writing area clutter |
Rather than more distractions, why not just give them some peace and
quiet when they’re trying to write? |
The fact is, that precocious Mr. Dickens didn’t have even a
half-measure of the cheap items on my list above when he was writing—much less all
those pricy gewgaws they’re peddling to writers these days—yet he somehow
managed to pen a decent yarn or two. (Despite the egregious liberties he took
regarding my own frugal end. . .)
The way I see it, getting writers so many fancy distractions is just squandering
money and maybe worse: you could be setting them up to make excuses and ask for
more. Next thing you know they’re saying: “I would write more, or better, if I only
had. . .”
And there’s only one thing any self-respecting skinflint can say to something
like that. You know the words, say them with me:
Bah, Humbug!
About the Author Lon Prater
still thinks writing-related gifts are a pretty cool way to show you care, no
matter how little value Mr. Scrooge believes they actually add. Find out more
about Lon’s non-channeling work at http://www.neverary.com.
|