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Craft of Writing

Donna Sundblad

Warning Flags – Words to Use with Caution

In my late 30’s I fulfilled a lifelong dream. I signed up for piano lessons. Friends thought it amazing I’d take on this challenge "at my age." Schoolgirl butterflies stirred my excitement as I headed into the building for that first lesson. Little did I realize the amount of work it would take to play even a simple tune. At times, songs I practiced sounded good until my teacher pointed out that the timing was off, or I’d forgotten to play a sharp or a flat.

Writing is no different. The same disciplines I learned playing piano helped me in my growth as a writer. Study, practice and the critiquing of others improved my work and instilled new skills. Feedback on story after story gradually taught me that passive verbiage lurked within my text. It bothered me that I didn’t see it on my own.

Mental Flags

As an editor, I see writers repeat the same mistakes I’ve made. It’s almost as if we go through stages of refinement on our rite of passage to publication. Today when passive words travel from my keyboard to my monitor, mental warning flags go up reminding me to use the word with caution. Many times I backspace, rewrite the sentence on the spot and eliminate the use of the weak word.

Years ago, when I wrote the rough draft of the first chapter of my novel The Inheritance, I painted verbal details that shined. I read it to my husband and a few close friends and they all agreed. However, when I put it out there for other writers to critique, I learned passive language riddled the chapter. I needed to show more and tell less.

I stared at the suggested changes. I thought I was showing. Instead, passive weak words transformed my vivid mental pictures into a duller telling version. This inability to see the difference propelled me to take an editing class.

To sharpen my passive/active recognition skills, I wrote a short story each week and participated in a writer’s study group that actively critiqued one another’s work. The process transformed my understanding of telling versus showing. The repetitive nature of this give-and-take process teaches and reinforces improvements to the writing process.

A Mental List

From my experience as a writer and editor, I’ve developed a mental list of what I call "Flag Words." Picture those little plastic flags the phone and electric company stick in the ground to mark underground cables. I mentally flagged recurring passive words. After repetitively correcting commonly used passive words in my own writing, and seeing others make the same mistakes, these words become indelibly etched in my mind.

During the writing process, passive words still come to mind, but the flag goes up. A possible problem lurks. To eliminate the trouble, I rewrite the sentence on the spot. I don’t catch 100% of the passive language while developing a first draft, but my writing has improved immensely through this process.

Many times flag words prove to be unnecessary. I’m not saying passive words should be eliminated in every instance. Instead take notice of them. Try to reword the sentence without them.

Passive Vs. Active

Don’t let this befuddle your thinking. It’s actually simple when you boil it down. The subject performs the action in sentences written in active voice. On the other hand, subjects in sentences written in passive voice receive the action expressed by the verb. One gives, the other receives.

Passive: The subject is acted upon.

Active:  The subject acts.

Use the list below to flag passive language in your writing. Locate the subject of the sentence and ask yourself. Does the subject act or is it acted upon? To change the sentence from passive to active, consider who or what is performing the action and change the verb accordingly.

Flag Words

This is not a comprehensive collection of passive words but rather a starter list. Print it out; post it near your computer. Become familiar with the flag words. Use them to identify the passive voice in your writing.

Start/Began/Then/There – We tend to use these words to move the action along, when in fact the action comes to life without them. Many times these lifeless words work like magnets collecting lazy words around them.

Passive: When I went back to start editing chapter one, I could see the telling language.

Active: When I edited chapter one the evident telling language came into focus.

In this first example the subject "I" went. Is this what the sentence is talking about? No, but rather it is about editing. In the active version of this sentence the subject "I" edited. Which paints a clearer picture?

Consider this example: He began to stutter. This tells us he began. Get rid of the passive began and rewrite it to read: "He stuttered." The action is clear.

Is/was/are/will be/has been/have been – I’m not suggesting you eliminate every instance of these weak verbs, but add them to your flag list. Many times you’ll find them worse than unnecessary. They tend to reroute the action down a detour of passivity. Eliminating them strengthens your meaning.

On a side note, let me tell you a trick I learned and unlearned. When I came to an understanding that the word "was" threw a bucket of cold water on my action, I tried to eradicate it. Many times I substituted the word "felt." I was sleepy; I felt sleepy. However, the passive "felt" is no better than "was." Instead of telling the reader I was or felt sleepy I needed to learn how to show it.

Passive:  The sentences are usually rewritten to eliminate them right on the spot.

Active: To eliminate the problem, I rewrite the sentence on the spot.

At this point turn your attention to the passive example above. "The" at the beginning of a sentence should raise another flag. Elimination of the word "are" also eradicated the unnecessary "The" and "usually." At times it’s necessary to use "The" at the beginning of a sentence to stress a specific noun, but flag and test it to see if the thought within the sentence is complete without it.

Noticed/Learned – You’ll usually find the use of these words before an action witnessed by the POV character. Telling the reader that the POV character noticed something does just that; it tells. Instead show us what the character sees.

Passive:  He noticed a young girl sitting in the shadows at the corner table.

Active:  He stepped into the smoky bar. A young girl sat in the shadows at the corner table.

Passive:  I’ve learned to use them like those little plastic flags the phone and electric company sticks in the ground to mark underground cables.

Active: Picture those little plastic flags the phone and electric company uses to mark underground cables. I mentally flag recurring passive words.

In either passive case the action is side railed. Is the sentence about noticing or learning? Strengthen your writing. Eliminate these words when used to move the story along.

Another word that falls within this set is allowed. If you say, "He allowed the boy to climb into the car," I can’t see much of the detail. Instead of saying the character allowed something, just show the action.

Could/Can – These harmless looking words also rob verbs of potential power.

Passive:  He could taste the ash in the air.

Active: He tasted the ash in the air.

Which one produces an image in your mind?

Seems/appeared/got – I’ve also highlighted the word then in the following example because as I mentioned above, writers commonly used it to move the action along, but it contributes nothing to the momentum. Instead it tends to dilute it.

Passive: Seems every week I think I'm going to cut back, but then by the time I'm done I've got this list.

Active: Every week I think I’m going to cut back, but by the time I’m done I’ve collected a new list of things to accomplish.

Eliminating ambiguous words forces action and detail into focus.

Made

I made the decision to be a writer.

I decided to write.

Have

Study, practice and allowing others to critique my work have helped me to get where I am today.

Study, practice and allowing others to critique my work helped me to get where I am today.

Both "made" and "have" in the above examples leech power from the action. Eliminate them and recharge your writing.

In Conclusion

Don’t let it get you down when you find these words littered throughout your writing. Instead, allow them to guide you. Learn to recognize tiny passive pitfalls, flag and correct them. It’s part of the rite of passage to publication.


About the Author
Author and freelance writer, Donna Sundblad, resides in Florida with her husband, Rick. Check ePress-online for details regarding her soon-to-be-published book, Pumping Your Muse. Donna co-owns and edits for Team Spirit Critique and Editing. For more information, visit her website at www.theinkslinger.net.