The Writer's E-Zine Home

Writers' Village University - F2K: Free Fiction Writing Course - ePress-online
Writers' Village University Membership Information

Craft of Writing

Carter Jefferson

Slippery Slope

The trouble with worrying about spelling is that it can lead you down a slippery slope.

First, it dawns on you that you can't spell. Some people have a gift for it, like born cello players who never miss that concert A. You obviously lack that capacity. So you begin to want to make sure your spelling is always correct. You buy a dictionary. Then you worry that maybe another dictionary is better—so you buy that one. Pretty soon, you're surrounded by dictionaries. They invent spell checkers, so you run your spell checker over your grocery list. Then you find out that spell checkers are not always reliable, so you become slightly paranoid. Soon anything you let the public see, even posts to your online discussion group, is spelled impeccably. Except that sometimes, no matter how hard you try, no matter how many dictionaries you consult, you blow it. So you try harder.

Meanwhile, you begin to wonder if your grammar is as bad as your spelling. What a horror that would be! So you buy a grammar book. That one unfortunately fails to cover some esoteric point that bothers you. So you buy another grammar book. You find ten grammar sites on the Web. But nothing's perfect, so you buy another book. And another. And so on. The bookshelf next to your computer is full, so you build another one, right below the first.

Somewhere you hear that something called "usage" also matters. And punctuation. My God! There are fat books that do nothing but give pointers on proper usage and punctuation. And they don't always agree! Another three hundred dollars on reference books.

You also find to your surprise that others worry about these things, too. (Should that comma be there?) You take to checking out what's new on alt.English.usage first thing every morning. You find yourself arguing with the other nuts. You join that hardy band of people who insist that despite the degradation of spelling over the years the word "travelling" has two L's.

You discover that for some questions there is no answer. This throws you into deep depression, but your unflagging insistence on getting things right remains so strong that you come back fighting, and first thing you know people start asking you all sorts of things about language. You try to answer. You put links on your website to help your petitioners find the solutions they need. You're admired; you're a guru.

In fact, you have become a charlatan. People think you're an expert speller and grammarian, a usage maven. But you're not. You still can't spell. You still have to look up difficult grammar points. Usage is a constant worry. Commas threaten your composure. But you can't quit, you can't give in to your weakness. What's more, there's no twelve-step group to help you. You're stuck with this; it will dog you all your days.

Ladies and Gentlemen, you have just heard the story of my life.


About the Author
Carter Jefferson, who lives in Boston, has been a journalist, a history professor, and a family therapist. He started writing professionally when he was 15. Officially retired, he now writes fiction and essays for e-zines. And he still can't spell. His website: http://carterj.homestead.com/.