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Birdie

Tips to Activate Your Writing

Show don't tell. Writers hear this mantra from every direction. But what does it mean? It suggests the action has been watered down. It's no longer an image-producing, engaging story, but rather a passive telling of activities in your characters' lives. How does this happen? When non-specific, vague words slip into sentences supported by passive verbs, it manifests telling language.

Example: Many of the prisoners felt cheated which seemed absurd.

Identify Vague Words
In this example the word many doesn't paint an image. It's an indistinct word. Other such vague (and often used words) include: some, all, most, many, more, enough, several, fewest, fewer, few, very, really, good, a lot, and still. You can replace the word many with quite a number of these words and still not SEE a thing. Exchange many for a specific image-generating choice, and a picture flickers into focus: Thirty of the prisoners felt cheated.... Once you slip this sentence into context, thirty means something to the reader.

Unnecessary Words
The next word choice to note in the example sentence are the words of the. These unnecessary words do nothing to move the story along. A friend who helped me along in the early stages of my writing career referred to them as "wordy words." Of the doesn't show anything. The same is true for the word combinations of his and of her. Wordy words weaken the action. Eliminate them from the sentence and the action becomes stronger.

Example: Thirty prisoners felt cheated...

See the difference? The mental image generates thirty prisoners. Try putting "of the" into your find and replace tool and see how often it is hidden in your manuscript, sucking life from your prose.

Passive Verbs
Most writers fighting the show don't tell battle are quite familiar with the taboo use of the passive verb was and its weak cohorts is, was, are, had been, and have been. Those who visit this column regularly read repeated warnings to steer clear of these mines that stagnate action. But notice, we didn't use the verb was in our example. Instead the verb felt tries to camouflage passivity by pretending to be an active verb. But it's not. Consider the word felt equal with the verb was. Avoid it.

The word felt robs the action from the character and puts the story in the hands of a narrator who tells how the character feels. When you rewrite a sentence without the word felt, most often it requires more information. Why does the character feel the way they do? Why did the prisoners feel cheated? And, what do they do about how they feel? Actions show feeling.

Example: Thirty prisoners cheated of their recreation time started a food fight.

Eliminating the word felt changes the flavor of this sentence. It's no longer telling us what the prisoners feel. Instead, the new verbiage paints a picture. You might even slip in an adjective—not always, but sometimes to produce a clearer image.

Example: Thirty angry prisoners cheated of their recreation time started a food fight.

Once the passive language is removed the rest of the original sentence no longer applies. "...which seemed absurd." Who did it seem absurd to? When making changes, watch for POV switches like this one.

While we're here, let's take a look at the word seem. This is another word that dries up the action. If a character seems to be happy—it tells the reader information. Instead, show them smiling, dancing, laughing, joking, skipping—choose active words.

A Glitch in the Action
Now back to our example: Thirty angry prisoners cheated of their recreation time started a food fight.

That's better. But the word started is another user-beware word. It reminds me of a glitch in a DVD when the action pauses. Do you see started? Instead of telling the reader someone started to walk away. Show the character walk away. Instead of a character starting to cry—show tears pooling, or brimming—something visual. The word began is no different. If the "character began to laugh," it's not the same as the "character threw his head back and laughed." One tells and the other shows.

Example: Thirty angry prisoners cheated of their recreation time planned a distraction—a food fight. Mash potatoes hurtled above the black and white clad prisoners and slapped the guard on the side of his face.

Oh, now that's much better—except the of his slipped in there. What's another way to say "on the side of his face"? A more specific word choice?

Example: Mash potatoes hurtled above the black and white clad prisoners, slapped the guard's cheek and dropped onto his blue uniform shirt like a large bird dropping.

Sensory Verbs
When writing to show and not tell, include the five senses. In my book Pumping Your Muse exercises train writers to pay attention to the world around them to learn how to add a realistic balance of sensory information in their writing. How often do you take notice of an aroma, scent or odor? How about small background noises? What backdrop do noises create in the scene?

Example: Thirty angry prisoners cheated of their recreation time planned a distraction—a food fight. A little something to let the guards know, one way or another, they'd have their fun. The mess hall filled with black and white clad, un-showered men sitting shoulder to shoulder on benches bolted to the floor. Mash potatoes hurtled through the air, slapped the guard's cheek and dropped onto his blue uniform shirt like a large bird dropping. The men stuffed food into hidden smiles, not missing a beat. The guard smeared potatoes across his shirt and flung the paste to the floor.

Every eye cast downward left the guard at a loss as he eyed the feeding inmates. Forks scraped across plastic dinner trays. The guard walked the rows deliberately, right hand on the club in his belt. The repeated clacking and scraping of silverware mingled with his footfalls.

Eliminate Redundancy
Before we go any further, let me remind you to avoid the distraction of redundancy. It breaks the flow; pace stumbles to regain momentum. In the example above, "Every eye cast downward" and "at a loss as he eyed" brings up the fact that sometimes a noun and a verb form redundancy. Even though I liked the verb eyed—I needed to change it. Tools such as a thesaurus or One Look Reverse Dictionary aid in finding specific, active verbs. I typed in the word "eyed" and One Look offered 213 choices. Not all the alternatives were appropriate, but I settled on the word scrutinized.

Scraped and scraping presented another redundancy. One Look didn't offer an easy solution, so I turned to Thesaurus.com and chose the active verb "grating" from the selections offered.

One last redundancy that needs addressing is the use of the article "the" at the start of two sentences in a row. In this case, rearranging the information takes care of the problem. In the process, I also eliminate the "of."

Example: Forks scraped plastic dinner trays. The guard walked the rows deliberately, right hand resting on the club in his belt. His footfalls mingled with the silverware's repeated clacking and grating.

Choose Active Verbs
In closing, remember—choose active verbs. Watch for signs leading to passive pitfalls. Words like could, noticed, can, will, or heard redirect the action and lose it. For example, "He could hear the footsteps echoing in the hall." This tells that the character could hear. That's not the desired focus.

Instead of "could hear" slice the sentence to the action. What does he hear? Footsteps echoing in the hall. That's the crux. Footsteps echoed in the hall. This is the POV character's experience. He could hear is implied—readers don't need to be told. "Echoed" is a specific verb. It shades the experience with dimension. The verb not only shows someone approaching, but offers other information like the fact that the hall is not carpeted

Editors don't want you to just tell the story; instead they challenge writers to step up to today's standards—to create action with verbs that depict images. Even the best narration doesn't hold a reader's attention for long. Who would go to a movie with no picture—just an interesting voice over. That's the difference? Active verbs show the story like a projector.

Finding the right verb is probably number one in ridding your writing of passive telling language. Discover a specific verb and by its nature it eradicates passive language lingering nearby.


About the Author
Author and freelance writer, Donna Sundblad, resides in Georgia with her husband, Rick. Together, they are working on a budgeting book that will be out in electronic format by early 2007. Donna serves as the Fantasy Topic Editor at Inspired Author, and her books, Pumping Your Muse and Windwalker are available in paper or ebook formats at epress-online.com. Check her website for more information at www.theinkslinger.net.