Craft of Writing

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Craft of Writing

K. Cutter

How to Become a Professional Aspiring Author without Looking like a Fool

People don't take me seriously as a writer, because I don't have a six-figure book deal. Family and friends pop in unexpectedly, anticipating that since I don't work, I'll be home, bored, and looking for company. If I had a six-digit book deal, they'd keep away. "Better not disturb her while those creative juices are flowing," they'd say.

If I had a six-digit book deal, they would call me an "author" or better yet, "wordsmith," instead of "aspiring writer" or even worse, "housewife." They wouldn't roll their eyes, sneer, and say in my head, "Writer? Yeah right. Get a real job." I wouldn't be paranoid, if I had a six-digit book deal. Unfortunately, I don't—just a dozen unpublished stories and two novels.

My labors haven't been without fruit, though. I have managed to find a few pieces home, earning a total of: $225, a coffee mug, and a can of beans. So counting the time I've been out of work, paper, stamps, computer, internet access, labels, envelopes, and ink cartridges, I'm only out about $130,000, which I'm sure the publication of my first novel will cover.

Anyway, I may not be qualified to give advice about developing story conflict or proper use of the em dash, but I have learned a few things about being a professional aspiring author.

Quit your day job. Remember unemployment is the key factor in distinguishing professional aspiring authors from ordinary hobby writers.
Don't tell anyone you're a writer. Telling people you are a writer only invites an interrogation of difficult questions, including "How many books have you published?" and "How much money do you make?" The average writer's life is 99.5% rejection. On top of this, we don't need hairdressers, acquaintances, and in-laws making us insecure during routine chitchat.

Be modest. Don't brag about your first publication like it's your first publication. Play it cool. Mention it to your parents, partner, and best friend, the people most likely to brag about you. After some time has passed, leave conversation props around the house: the journal where your story appeared, a trinket you bought with the stipends, anything subtly obvious that people will comment on. "Where'd you get this?" "Oh, that's just something I bought with the money from that publication a few months ago." "I didn't know you got published." "It was nothing, really." This will give people the impression you get published more often than they realize. They will think you're just shy and don't like discussing it.

Don't give non-writer friends your stories to read. They will look for themselves in your characters and assume the abortion, one-night stand, and overdose you wrote about happened to you. Either they will offer bad advice via penciled notes in the margin or, most likely, not respond at all. After sharing your soul with this person, you will never hear them mention your story again. This isn't because, as non-writers, they don't know how to offer constructive criticism or insight. It's because they think your story sucked. Worse yet, now there is a printed copy of your story thoughtlessly discarded on their coffee table. Everyone who walks into their house reads it, and they all sit around the living room discussing what a horrible writer you are.

Having a partner who supports you is a lot of pressure. Once you've made writing your full-time career, your partner expects progress. They have invested time and money in your success. Unless it comes with a check, they do not care about the nice review of your story. They want profit. Never argue about money; you will lose. And don't forget to snuff out the candles from your afternoon bath and kick the clart off your shoes from that inspirational walk.

Having a baby relieves this pressure. Having a baby is the best decision a professional aspiring author can make (just make sure you're the one who gets nominated for home duties). People become amazed if you manage to brush your teeth during the day, let alone pump out 1,000 words. Write while baby's sleeping but steer clear of too many poopy-diaper and apple-cheek anecdotes (I know it's hard). If the dishes aren't done, blame the baby.

Save money. Hopefully when you quit your job, you remembered to take a stash of office supplies with you. Now, more than ever, those reams of paper, manila envelops, pens, pencils, paper-clips, staplers, erasers, labels, and liquid paper are going to come in handy. If you weren't able to stock up on stationary, trade with a friend who has access to the supply cabinet or get a temp job for a day.

Be Resourceful. Your job as a professional aspiring writer is not to deplete the forest. You will be amazed at how much paper is wasted jotting down notes, printing queries, envelopes, stories, and manuscripts, and then reprinting after you've spotted and corrected a typo that has bumped the second half of your novel one line forward. It's not just your paper you're wasting but the agents' and editors' too. Three months after that mass mailing, your mail slot will be so crammed with rejections that you'll need a crowbar to open it. Rejection letters come in all shapes, sizes, and colors, sometimes even on your original letter. Don't put these little slips of failure to waste. Wallpaper your bathroom, use them as poop liners for the birdcage, or cut out the individual letters and write a ransom note.

Becoming a professional aspiring author means constantly learning about style and structure. Publications I was once proud of now absolutely positively reek of prolix writing and way too many adverbs. This is a down side of becoming a better writer. Your writing will always improve, leaving everything in your path looking amateurish. This journey can be easily documented by the evolution of your bio. No doubt, one of my early query letters ended with a paragraph stating my publications in my high school newspaper. This was followed by a lengthy explanation about how the particular story had been work-shopped on-line and "is much better now."

As I struggle along in my Sisyphean pseudo-career, I hope one day, my third-person bio, in fifty words or less, will read, "K. Cutter has published dozens of short stories and three books. She's a lonely recluse whom no ever visits, but people finally take her serious as a wordsmith."

About the Author
K. Cutter lives in Australia with a house full of boys. She was the first place winner of the Net Author E2K Flash Fiction Contest. Her work has also appeared in Word Riot, Story House, Inkburns, FlashFiction.Net, and ByLine. She has two YA novels and a few odds-and-ends looking for homes. She once flew a plane.